Sugar
by sweetsnow73
Summary: Post season II. Lizzy grew up, she tried to move on. But she didn't want to. Not really. She'd always love him. Thankfully, he'd always love her too.


The end of life as she had planned it was ushered in with a black card. Black and white it proclaimed the death of Ciel Phantomhive, which would cause rejoice for many unscrupulous individuals in England and the United Kingdom at large but for Lizzy it was the end. An event unholy and that should never have happened.

She had plans, dreams and goals. She found herself adrift. The servants, which had lovingly shared the goal of bringing Ciel happiness, left unable to stay. Even Prince Soma left, tears and sorrow on his face. She understood. She tried to keep in contact, they were ties to Ciel. They were people that shared her sorrow. She would have joined them, left the places that reminded her of him, but she couldn't.

Phantomhive manner was closed up as legalities were argued. Her family ended up owning it but no one lived there. She would often bring Paula with her and walk the grounds trying to imagine what it would be like if he were still around. She would imagine shadows as people, as memories or possibilities. She lived in the dreams that she found herself unable to give up.

Because there wasn't a body, she never got closure, she packed her memories and affections into a box in her heart that wouldn't close all the way. It leaked faint sounds and thoughts that would catch her off guard at random times.

She grew, as humans are supposed to. At age sixteen she asked people not to call her Lizzy anymore, it was one of the things she had to pack away and leave in the dark.

Suitors would come, her family would run them through the wringer and just when all hope seemed lost, a man finally reached their standards. She spent a lot of her time in the beginning trying not to compare him to Ciel. It wouldn't be fair nor proper. He was nice; he liked to listen to her ramble and didn't complain when she felt the need to hang on to him. She got used to his company. They seemed to domesticate each other. She heard of other wives that had bad men for spouses, in this she was lucky. But still, time went on and she still had that box, it whispered things.

Paula would retire from the Midford household; it was a sad good bye. Sometimes as Elizabeth was surrounded by the servants of her husband she wondered if her childhood and early teens had been a dream. Something constructed from ether. No one in the house she lived in knew Ciel or even thought to talk about all the adventures she and he had shared.

The letters from the Phantomhive servants and Prince Soma slowed down, became more generic. She tried not to mourn them as well. For they still lived. Fairly happily. They had lives now, she didn't know if it was just her that still thought of him as much as she did.

The slivers of Ciel slowly disappeared.

She had eventually been able to build a life. And then she found that one day she didn't feel guilty for it anymore. In her mind there was a part that would always belong to Ciel and then there was the part that had to continue living. Her husband didn't know of this part of her, not at all. But he had his own secrets, but as long as they were good to each other, she thought that would be enough.

And so her days went.

**...**

It was a sunny Monday, and her husband didn't have to be to work. That seemed reason enough to have a picnic by the pond. Though she could have asked for help she wanted to try and pack the basket herself.

The cooks were out, probably shopping and she had her run of the kitchen. She rummaged through the many cupboards, she never really noticed all the cupboards, or all the things they had stuffed inside them. Then again as the lady of the house she hadn't much occasion to come down there.

Finding the wicker basket she started to run around putting things into it. She had to guess on how to pack a picnic basket and it was on the third time she removed the apples, to make room for the crackers, that she noticed the faint sent of flowers.

Looking around, expecting a decorative arrangement instead she found a bag of pink lace sitting on a chopping board. It had been tied with a pale yellow ribbon and a tag hung off of it. Curiosity moving her, she picks up the back and examines it.

The tag read "Lizzy" the script familiar and yet foreign. It stirs some old memory but it can't seem to be fished up. She forgets her purpose and tugs the ribbon, exposing the tiny cookies inside. Vanilla, chocolate and strawberry flavors, over a dozen. She can't imagine who would have left them here or who in the house would know her old nickname.

It was something she didn't want to think about.

So she tied it back up and stuck it in a top drawer, on top of spoons and forks. If the servants asked she would tell them to throw them away. Perhaps one of them would confess to making the bag. It had been a nice thought but simply too bizarre for her to handle. When the drawer closed with a faint click sound she remembered what she came in for. Finishing her packing she outside. Her husband already flinging a blanket around and settling in under the big tree.

Soon she was on the blanket, the two of them staring up at the clouds. Something must seem odd about her expression, she was disturbed more by the cookies than she realized.

"What's the matter Elizabeth?"

"Nothing dear, AH, Oh," she points, "Doesn't that one look like a rabbit?"

He laughs in a good natured way, relieved that she seems like her normal self. She puts on a smile and tries to ignore the memory of the Phantomhive bunny toys that she used to love.

The first time Ciel is in her dream she realizes two things at once. That they are both young again and he seems happy.

So happy that he hugs her.

'_Lizzy, Lizzy my sweet Lizzy!' _

Which is something she never thought she'd ever hear him say, alive or dead, awake or asleep.

'_C-Ciel!' _

They stood in a sunny meadow, not unlike the one that was near her house in real life, this one was different. There was a creek instead of a pond, thicker trees everywhere and a lovely breeze that would touch her face. She didn't understand how all these sensations were real. It was beautiful here, but it was ever so slightly off. The resemblance to the real location was eerie enough to taint the wonderful experience ever so slightly.

'_Sit Lizzy, it's been so long…'_ some of the familiar rough nature was returning to Ciel, more like the boy she had loved.

He didn't smile as much as her husband; she could pick out a million differences that were oozing from the box she had hidden away in her heart. Differences she had ignored for the sake of trying to appreciate her husband for who he was rather than who he wasn't.

They talked. The clouds above talking strange shapes and the sun measuring time, it was all so real. Hard to believe it was a dream. But if Ciel was there then it certainly was. She had spent so long trying to let go of him. She wonders why her brain decided now of all time to dream of him. Even in the early months after his death she didn't dream of him. Those had been shapes and sounds of darkness and coldness.

She shouldn't indulge such fantasies like this but she falls back into her old ways.

His grumbles and has empty protests, more obvious to her. She'd grown up, she could understand people better even better than she had back then. She had ignored things back then, because she had needed to be with him. Now his protests seem even more hollow. Perhaps even like, he was doing it for old times sake. He didn't like her hugs and yet he returned them with a gentle intensity.

The unspoken question of time hung between them; if dream Ciel was aware of the coming dawn she didn't know and didn't care. She'd enjoy this time.

'_I've missed you Lizzy…' _

'_I missed you too… sometimes…'_ she looks into his free eye, his right covered by the eye patch like she remembered, _'I think I try not to think of how much I miss you still. I will never be unable to miss you.'_

The last memory is of his gloved hand touching her face and his expression impossible to read.

She wakes up in the slowly increasing glow of the sun from her window. She looks to her side and sees her husband has already left for the day.

She sighs, feeling conflicted. She pulls a cord near the head board and yawns.

**_..._**

The small scattering of candies and cookies increase in number. Five taffies by her hair brush, three large vanilla and coconut cookies on her book in the library and so on. The same careful script reading 'Lizzy' was found on the cards.

Each night was a dream with Ciel, and each day has a sweet.

Sometimes Sebastian was there. Which she found odd yet appropriate. Normally he wouldn't pay her any mind but one night, when he caught her staring at him, he smiled. Though in every regard it was the same as she remembered, it seemed more sinister.

She woke up that morning with the strange thought,

Hadn't it always seemed like that but she had pushed it aside?

As a young girl she had pushed so much off, the freedom of youth to do as such. Throughout the day she kept thinking about it. Sebastian had been very…odd. But Ciel never seemed perturbed by him so she had let it disappear below her concern.

He had been useful , loyal and was a good butler.

She nibbled at the chocolate cookies that she found in the solar room next to her tea set. That night she had a dance to attend. She'd get home late and she hopes she sleeps dreamlessly. She needed more time to think.

And she got a dreamless sleep that night.

She woke up confused but thankful.

She went to work on the nursery. She was dragging her feet, what was left could be done in a few days but having an unfinished project around was good for her. Plus the unspoken expectation, an empty crib needs a baby, was something that she didn't look forward to dealing with. Eventually she'd be a mother, but she wasn't sure she was ready for it yet.

She was looking at curtain swatches when night finally came. She looked out her window, and watched the sun set a ball of anticipation and anxiety rolling around in her head.

"I like the blue flowers." She holds out the swatch to her husband, he touches the swatch and nods. "Yes, that will look good."

"Good, next I can work on the wallpaper." Those were down to three choices, equally good in her eyes.

"Ah, tomorrow love…it's late, let's go to sleep." He did seem tired, so she reluctantly began the normal routine.

She stayed up long after the snoring beside her began, and before she could fight it, she was asleep.

'_Now Lizzy I have a very important question.'_

'_What is it Ciel?'_

'_Are you happy?'_

She looks at him and then over at the water, they were slowly floating down the creek next to their meadow. They were in no hurry, she imagined that Sebastian could have been guiding the boat but he wasn't around. Thankful for that at least. She didn't particularly care to expose her soul with him around.

She sighs.

'_It's easy to answer that when I'm asleep, when I'm awake I am Elizabeth and I think she's happy. She's content with her place in life, sometimes happy but always taken care of. Here though,_' she drags a bare hand through the cool water, still the hand of her youth and looks at him, '_here I know Elizabeth would rather be Lizzy. Like things could have been.' _

The boat rocks slightly as he stands up, he sits beside her and holds her hands with his own. The familiar ring with the blue stone and all. The striking shade of blue suddenly abrasive and she remembers when she broke it.

'_Would you stay with me, Lizzy? Forever and ever?'_

She chokes on the intake of breath she tried to get down her throat.

'_Perhaps I'm selfish to think you could still love me like you did, you've lived a life since then…'_ his hands loosen, '_but I never doubt that even now you care, on some level Lizzy. Please if you would, have an answer tomorrow night.' _

She wakes up grasping for anything, clinging to the arm around her waist and trying not to yell. Trying not to claw at anything.

Dreams aren't supposed to have _time_. Her dreams weren't supposed to look at her with such sincerity and heartbreak.

She was having a love affair with her own thoughts.

That day she stayed as busy as possible all the while thinking.

In her dreams it was like her hands had opened that box she had long ago tried to close. Life around her had left her…bored. As if life had been cast in a shade of gray. The times with Ciel had always been an adventure; even doing the mundane things had been nice. Life had been vibrant, full of colors, back then the color of his ring had never been too much to handle, but she had gotten used to gray.

She looked at the swatches for the nursery, she would have to order the curtains soon.

In truth she'd always wanted to pick curtains out with Ciel. Something so simple to admit but it started an avalanche.

She was in love, always would be.

This realization made her start to cry. She had to hide behind a door near the parlor. The years, and years she had spent trying to close the box, it hadn't worked at all. She had tried to love her husband, but she couldn't- not in the way she loved Ciel.

She was grown up and in love with a memory that should have died.

Her husband was tired all day, he looked pale and they went to bed early. He slept best with her in his arms and she just wanted the night to be over.

'_I got married Ciel, he's very kind,_' she is twisting flowers into a crown, busy work to keep her eyes off him. She's not sure why she is pouring this all out now, to a part of herself that should already know it. She chooses to continue to think of him as a dream.

'_I know Lizzy,'_ his voice is closer to her and she can tell when he sits next to her. This version of Ciel likes to stay close to her. Her hands are so young; she almost wishes for her long adult fingers. It is ever so slightly more difficult to do this as a child.

'_Did you love others Ciel?'_ What answer was she trying to get. What answer would make this alright.

'_When I realized I could, I tried.'_ He's picking flowers and handing them to her.

'_And?_'

'_I realized I couldn't love them. I loved you, so I came back.'_

She stops her braiding, she takes deep breaths, _'back...where did you go?'_ she slowly turns her head to him.

Lizzy remembers Vincent Phantomhive. When he had been alive he has stood above her like a strong tree. His eyes, kind but firm, they carried the burden of work a small child wouldn't understand. Ciel had grown to resemble his father.

'_I was away from here, I can't stay Lizzy, but I want to take you with me._' As an adult, Ciel's voice held confidence, a different kind then the false bravado of his youth, there is no acting here, the confidence that had been genuine in his youth had matured. This was a man that had come fully into adulthood. He reaches for her hand and holds it, her wedding band on her finger looking like a brand. She realizes then that she's her true age. Neither are children now.

Ciel looks sadly at the ring.

'_He loves you, he is happy he found such a nice woman to marry. Despite this, I want to steal you away. From everything you know and care for.' _

Slowly, the reality of what was happening allowed itself to be revealed. The box that was supposed to hold everything back broke and she was momentarily overwhelmed. Strange threads of understanding, assumptions and leaps of assumptions were flooding her head. She had to hold onto his hand as she felt dizzy. She felt like a small child, wanting to ask why, how, what over and over until the universe was broke down into something she could hold and understand.

What was real was the feel of his hands in hers.

And a truth above all else, no matter the why, how's or what's.

'_Ciel, you are everything I know and care for. I always have. Always will, I couldn't escape this if I wanted to and I don't.'_

He seemed sad rather than happy.

'_Will Jonathan be alright, if I leave now?' _

This made him choke a laugh, she wondered if he was still trying to process it all like she was.

'_He'll be fine, my sweet, sweet Lizzy.' _

There was a squeeze of her hands and she smiled at him, wrapping him in an embrace. She was unaware of the unearthly red glow that was now emanating from his eyes.

'_Sweet, sweet Lizzy,'_ he sighs_, 'I always had a weakness for sweet things.'_

She laughs, _'I remember…Ciel…'_

He kisses the nap of her neck, she feels it vividly.

And that's how the end of Elizabeth Midford started.

By the time the maid comes to wake her Elizabeth's body had gone cold. Despite this most obvious sign of earthly death no rock was left unturned in the attempts to bring her back. The doctors that would look at her body wouldn't be able to find why a perfectly healthy woman her age would simply die in her sleep.

Her husband took it harder than her elderly parents. At least to the public, they were proud people and most would guess they expressed their sorrow in private. At her funeral, the lavish affair that it was, some old friends showed up from across the country and in one case, across the world. For those that knew they would whisper, "Hope you find him over there."

**_..._**

Eternity was a long time to spend cycling through damned soul after damned soul. Of human life times of servitude and death after death. Even so Ciel and Lizzy had a version of paradise, they had each other, as long as that was true, the universe would make sense.

* * *

What's funny about this is I read something that would suggest that Yana thinks that Ciel would be stuck in a child's body forever like Claudia from the Vampire Chronicles. But that's not what happened here and so we'll just ignore that possibility. This might be OOC but really I'm assuming character development that could happen. Well, I hope you liked this. This was actually my first Kuro fanfiction and I've been fretting over it and finishing other stories before it and now I'm putting my baby out there.


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